As I type this I have the hook from the Fort Minor song Where'd you go running on repeat in my head. I have written several times in the last month on how I found myself in different positions in my life. Over the last month I feel like I have dug my way out of a grave I dug myself. When you relive the past it seems you have 2 choices, you can learn from it and move on, or you can let your mistakes keep eating at you soul until you turn just into a shell. For a long time I used my past as an excuse when I failed. I use shitty thing that happened to me to allow myself not to give my best effort or to throw myself will all of my qualities, positive and negative, into endeavors and give all I could at all times.
A lot of people have paradigm shifts and say that they feel like a new person or they have a new outlook, I feel exactly the opposite right now. I have my old outlook and philosophy NOTHING CAN STOP ME. The simple fact is I feel like a teenager with the world at his finger tips, though someone who has an additional 15 years of experience. I feel like I am finally stripped back to my core and that I don't need anything but hard work and determination to do anything I want.
Everyone I know who is successful has always been goal driven. That is what this trip has taught me most of all, if you have a dream and someone who will back you up nothing is impossible. I've decided to really put myself back out there and make my lofty dreams come true. The truth is that I had left, I allowed my personality to be substituted by fear, weakness, and anxiety. Now I feel like I just made it back and reawakened that take no prisoners attitude I had at 16.
The fear that limited me most was the fear of success. I would wonder if I made the starting squad or an A on a test would I always have to top myself. Now I realize that our failures sometimes are the best thing for us. If I was to win every BJJ match I fought, there would be no fun left, if Reggie Bush scored a touchdown every hand off would we watch the game? I want to fight and win I want to give my all again and hey if I get beat, the next day back to the gym with a smile and something to work on.
I think this sums it up best, my new outlook, and my new life
No one ever became a black belt by not tapping.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Why would you want to do that?
When I tell people I have anxiety they have a funny look on their face. Usually the next words from their mouth are, but you do BJJ, or MMA, or you fight. I have never been able to explain how I can do these things until now.
I was initially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was 18, but I can tell you that I had one from about 6th or 7th grade. About this time I was having extreme problems in school, I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, I was at the magnet middle school in my home town and I was miserable. I got beat up picked on and all the usual thing that people blame school shooting on. In 8th grade sick of all this I started to withdraw, by 9th grade I had embraced a very despotic outlook and group of friends, I was smoking pot everyday behind the buildings before school and at lunch just so I could have the fuck-it-all attitude to go to class. I changed schools my 10th grade year and went to a catholic school, there my attitude worsened. I was confrontational, mouthed off, and just was a general dick to anyone I did not perceive to be worthy of existing.
In January of that year I decided to join the football team for the next season. I quit the season before because I felt like they weren't worth my time, in reality I was not in shape and was a little soft. I started practices with the team and gritted my teeth at the hazing which seemed really focused on me because of my standoffish attitude. Then I learned something that would forever change my outlook, nobody cares if you have dyed black hair or nail polish on the field and long as you work your ass off. I found for the first time in my life that I didn't need all of the ADD and anti anxiety/depression meds, what I needed was a purpose to put my stubborn attitude toward and refuse to give up.
Unfortunately after high school I could never really find that point of focus again. This led to five years of scary times and even several suicide attempts. One day that all changed I was driving in BR and passed the old Gladiators Academy. When I turned in I was amazed, an MMA gym about 45 minutes from where I was living. This was the thing I was looking for, but it would take time to realize that.
Not unlike a great deal of people who walk it an MMA gym for the first time I was a little egotistic. I thought I would be the next phenom and take the world by storm, that absolutely didn't happen, but something amazing did. I was submitted repeatedly by someone weighing 50 or 60 pounds less than me. Holy Shit, my ego went right out the door and a sense of wonderment over took me. At that point I decided I wanted to learn BJJ not just fight.
I've detailed before how I got to Gladiator's Academy of Lafayette, but I have not told how I used the training to beat my anxiety.
Maybe one day people all over the world will give a crap about my opinions on fighting or grappling but I know if you are reading this you are either my friend on facebook or it was recommended to you by someone I know, thus you do want to hear my opinion.
I had a counselor who really tried to teach me the concept of mindfulness for about 6 months until she gave up on me. I really couldn't understand it, or how to apply it. For those of you who haven't heard of or didn't bother to look it up mindfulness is a tool from Zen buddahism, that boils down to being in the present moment.When I had anxiety attacks I was always worried about the future and what bad things were going to happen. The only way to stop and prevent these attacks was for me to be mindful of the moment I was in.
I find training, and to a great extent the MMA sparring sessions helped me develop the concept and use mindfulness to prevent and stop my panic attacks. If you look at the situation of a BJJ match you can see that if you allow yourself to be lost in the future or past you are going to get submitted, but even being totally in the present moment you have to think ahead and not just react. In MMA the mindfulness aspect increases 10 fold due to punches and kicks being thrown.
Now you are probally telling yourself this guy is crazy, sparring would make me have more panic attacks, and you know what I have had a few while doing jiu jitsu, but that is the process. I allowed myself fear and discomfort because I knew that anytime I felt in danger there was that safety of tapping out and it would stop. Using this I continued to train hard, yet the lessons carried far beyond the gym into my everyday life, eventually I was finally able to finish school and now have gone almost 6 months without an anxiety attack.
I know that most psychiatrist would crap themselves at what I did but it worked. I feel like I am on the road to the person I am meant to be.
I had a friend tell me before I left that he want to see Ben version 2.0 when I get back, but you know I feel like I just got all the bugs out of the beta test and I hope that 1.0 will be released on the world soon.
I was initially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was 18, but I can tell you that I had one from about 6th or 7th grade. About this time I was having extreme problems in school, I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, I was at the magnet middle school in my home town and I was miserable. I got beat up picked on and all the usual thing that people blame school shooting on. In 8th grade sick of all this I started to withdraw, by 9th grade I had embraced a very despotic outlook and group of friends, I was smoking pot everyday behind the buildings before school and at lunch just so I could have the fuck-it-all attitude to go to class. I changed schools my 10th grade year and went to a catholic school, there my attitude worsened. I was confrontational, mouthed off, and just was a general dick to anyone I did not perceive to be worthy of existing.
In January of that year I decided to join the football team for the next season. I quit the season before because I felt like they weren't worth my time, in reality I was not in shape and was a little soft. I started practices with the team and gritted my teeth at the hazing which seemed really focused on me because of my standoffish attitude. Then I learned something that would forever change my outlook, nobody cares if you have dyed black hair or nail polish on the field and long as you work your ass off. I found for the first time in my life that I didn't need all of the ADD and anti anxiety/depression meds, what I needed was a purpose to put my stubborn attitude toward and refuse to give up.
Unfortunately after high school I could never really find that point of focus again. This led to five years of scary times and even several suicide attempts. One day that all changed I was driving in BR and passed the old Gladiators Academy. When I turned in I was amazed, an MMA gym about 45 minutes from where I was living. This was the thing I was looking for, but it would take time to realize that.
Not unlike a great deal of people who walk it an MMA gym for the first time I was a little egotistic. I thought I would be the next phenom and take the world by storm, that absolutely didn't happen, but something amazing did. I was submitted repeatedly by someone weighing 50 or 60 pounds less than me. Holy Shit, my ego went right out the door and a sense of wonderment over took me. At that point I decided I wanted to learn BJJ not just fight.
I've detailed before how I got to Gladiator's Academy of Lafayette, but I have not told how I used the training to beat my anxiety.
Maybe one day people all over the world will give a crap about my opinions on fighting or grappling but I know if you are reading this you are either my friend on facebook or it was recommended to you by someone I know, thus you do want to hear my opinion.
I had a counselor who really tried to teach me the concept of mindfulness for about 6 months until she gave up on me. I really couldn't understand it, or how to apply it. For those of you who haven't heard of or didn't bother to look it up mindfulness is a tool from Zen buddahism, that boils down to being in the present moment.When I had anxiety attacks I was always worried about the future and what bad things were going to happen. The only way to stop and prevent these attacks was for me to be mindful of the moment I was in.
I find training, and to a great extent the MMA sparring sessions helped me develop the concept and use mindfulness to prevent and stop my panic attacks. If you look at the situation of a BJJ match you can see that if you allow yourself to be lost in the future or past you are going to get submitted, but even being totally in the present moment you have to think ahead and not just react. In MMA the mindfulness aspect increases 10 fold due to punches and kicks being thrown.
Now you are probally telling yourself this guy is crazy, sparring would make me have more panic attacks, and you know what I have had a few while doing jiu jitsu, but that is the process. I allowed myself fear and discomfort because I knew that anytime I felt in danger there was that safety of tapping out and it would stop. Using this I continued to train hard, yet the lessons carried far beyond the gym into my everyday life, eventually I was finally able to finish school and now have gone almost 6 months without an anxiety attack.
I know that most psychiatrist would crap themselves at what I did but it worked. I feel like I am on the road to the person I am meant to be.
I had a friend tell me before I left that he want to see Ben version 2.0 when I get back, but you know I feel like I just got all the bugs out of the beta test and I hope that 1.0 will be released on the world soon.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Where do you want to be in 10 years?
Where do you see yourself in 10 year? All of us who have go through high school, college and most job interviews had heard this question a million times. I never really thought about where I am 10 years after high school until I recently got my high school reunion invitation a few days before I left for Phuket.
Today I really started thinking about the last decade and wondering about the decisions that got me where I am. When I graduated high school my big plan was to finish college asap and move to Louisville, KY to start training to be a pro-wrestler at Ohio Valley Wrestling. By now I had hoped to be a multiple time WWE champion. Damn, I'm glad that fell by the wayside. I discoved MMA the way a lot of people did, an old video tape back in the late 90's of UFC 5 I think Royce Gracie vs. Ken Shamrock super fight. I just knew I saw Ken Shamrock on the WWF and it looked cool. I was enthralled but didn't really understand the sport and had no where to train.
Fast forward to the first season of the ultimate fighter and I was reminded of the UFC and got witness first hand how the sport had evolved, at that moment I was detimined to fight, pro-wrestling went right out the window. I started searching for a gym to train me, I finally stumbled on the original location of Gladiator's Academy, it happened to open across the street from my great-aunt's house. I took a few classes and decided that even though I have never had my ass beat that bad I was addicted.
Gas prices and time constraints forced me to move to a gym in Hammond but I eventually made it back to Gladiators in Baton Rouge. In December of 2008 Liz and I had a discussion, we were at a crossroads in our life, my weight was out of control, we were going nowhere in school and the stress was destroying our relationship, we sat and talked for what seemed like days about what we really wanted to do with our lives. When I told her I wanted to fight MMA I expected a flat out NO, but instead she came up with the best condition ever, you have to train with Tim every day. I knew that was impossible in our current location so the decision was made to move to Lafayette.
Never in my life had I been beat up that much, but when I came home every day from training Liz would be there to help me put my confidence together again for one more day. Now after 2 years in the gym I feel slightly competent at jiu-jitsu, judo, boxing, and muay thai. I still have the same goal fight an MMA and maybe that will happen soon.
Ten years after my high school graduation I am writing from Phuket, Thailand, and not wondering about the next 10 years because of all the things I learned in the last 2 the most important thing is this, The only moment to worry about is the one you are in right now.
Today I really started thinking about the last decade and wondering about the decisions that got me where I am. When I graduated high school my big plan was to finish college asap and move to Louisville, KY to start training to be a pro-wrestler at Ohio Valley Wrestling. By now I had hoped to be a multiple time WWE champion. Damn, I'm glad that fell by the wayside. I discoved MMA the way a lot of people did, an old video tape back in the late 90's of UFC 5 I think Royce Gracie vs. Ken Shamrock super fight. I just knew I saw Ken Shamrock on the WWF and it looked cool. I was enthralled but didn't really understand the sport and had no where to train.
Fast forward to the first season of the ultimate fighter and I was reminded of the UFC and got witness first hand how the sport had evolved, at that moment I was detimined to fight, pro-wrestling went right out the window. I started searching for a gym to train me, I finally stumbled on the original location of Gladiator's Academy, it happened to open across the street from my great-aunt's house. I took a few classes and decided that even though I have never had my ass beat that bad I was addicted.
Gas prices and time constraints forced me to move to a gym in Hammond but I eventually made it back to Gladiators in Baton Rouge. In December of 2008 Liz and I had a discussion, we were at a crossroads in our life, my weight was out of control, we were going nowhere in school and the stress was destroying our relationship, we sat and talked for what seemed like days about what we really wanted to do with our lives. When I told her I wanted to fight MMA I expected a flat out NO, but instead she came up with the best condition ever, you have to train with Tim every day. I knew that was impossible in our current location so the decision was made to move to Lafayette.
Never in my life had I been beat up that much, but when I came home every day from training Liz would be there to help me put my confidence together again for one more day. Now after 2 years in the gym I feel slightly competent at jiu-jitsu, judo, boxing, and muay thai. I still have the same goal fight an MMA and maybe that will happen soon.
Ten years after my high school graduation I am writing from Phuket, Thailand, and not wondering about the next 10 years because of all the things I learned in the last 2 the most important thing is this, The only moment to worry about is the one you are in right now.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
10 days in from Phuket International Hospital
John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans", the more I read this the more it makes sense. I sit next to a window in a hospital in Phuket and yet I am not upset at the situation. As I watch mother nature put on a fabulous light show among the mountains, I think about how lucky I am. If you look at it from an optimistic perspective I am in what most people would consider a tropical paradise, learning muay thai from fighters I could never had access to at home and beat my biggest fear in the process.
I am usually a socially awkward person, I talk too much, tell stories, although true, most people don't believe or care about, and I know for a fact I have several other irritating habits. In Phuket I did something that I rarely do, I listen, alot. I've met people this week from all the the inhabited continents of the globe, and have had the privilege to listen to their stories and share some of mine. The friends you make on this island can last a lifetime as my Instructor always says, "Go climb Everest with someone and you will get to know them quick". I believe this can also go for any extraordinary feat. I got a call from one of my new friends Lisa at 8 am checking on me after being admitted last night, I didn't expect that, and was very grateful for the call.
The most interesting thing about this place is the training itself. My main trainer is Run at Sinbi, like most of the trainers he speaks very little English, so this means no banter about Lesnar's Beard between rounds, but he has improved my technique by leaps and bounds with simple words. When I do something right his automatic response is "yes", when I execute a great technique I am rewarded with "I like". I don't know if I am a visual learner but over here I have picked up so much by watching Run vs. listening to explanation over and over. I guess Dana White is right fighting is universal.
I guess the most enjoyable thing on this whole trip is knowing what allowed me to get here is the hard work I and my training partners have done back at Gladiator's Academy to allow me to be here. I know without the help and guidance from Tim and Josh, and the sometimes exhausting training sessions with everyone else I know for a fact I would not be here, not only physically but have a strong mind to endure minor set backs like the position I find my self in.
I hope that this trip will allow me to be a better training partner at the gym, but more so I hope I can use this in the never ending quest to be a better person.
I am usually a socially awkward person, I talk too much, tell stories, although true, most people don't believe or care about, and I know for a fact I have several other irritating habits. In Phuket I did something that I rarely do, I listen, alot. I've met people this week from all the the inhabited continents of the globe, and have had the privilege to listen to their stories and share some of mine. The friends you make on this island can last a lifetime as my Instructor always says, "Go climb Everest with someone and you will get to know them quick". I believe this can also go for any extraordinary feat. I got a call from one of my new friends Lisa at 8 am checking on me after being admitted last night, I didn't expect that, and was very grateful for the call.
The most interesting thing about this place is the training itself. My main trainer is Run at Sinbi, like most of the trainers he speaks very little English, so this means no banter about Lesnar's Beard between rounds, but he has improved my technique by leaps and bounds with simple words. When I do something right his automatic response is "yes", when I execute a great technique I am rewarded with "I like". I don't know if I am a visual learner but over here I have picked up so much by watching Run vs. listening to explanation over and over. I guess Dana White is right fighting is universal.
I guess the most enjoyable thing on this whole trip is knowing what allowed me to get here is the hard work I and my training partners have done back at Gladiator's Academy to allow me to be here. I know without the help and guidance from Tim and Josh, and the sometimes exhausting training sessions with everyone else I know for a fact I would not be here, not only physically but have a strong mind to endure minor set backs like the position I find my self in.
I hope that this trip will allow me to be a better training partner at the gym, but more so I hope I can use this in the never ending quest to be a better person.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Feeling like a white trash ernest hemingway
When I decided to make this trip to thailand I kind of felt it would fall trough at the last second. Now seated by my gate in the Singapore airport I am reminded of many of the great adventurers that came before, and how in some small way I share a little of their spirit. I am not trying to say I am any where near the people they were but I can understand why trips like this have the power to change the way you precieve the world and even to a greater extent your self.
Now there is no turning back. I have put my self on a course and must see it through. That is the greatest thing to me, and the most annoying to those who really know me, about my personality I refuse to take no for an answer. If I really want somthing I will go to the ends of the earth to get it.
I guess to me NO is just a challenge.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Waiting
Throwing together a month long international trip in 2 weeks in no easy feat. I feel like I have been moving nonstop sense I set my departure date. I know this will be stressful on Liz, but she has been so supportive through the whole process. I feel lucky to have a partner who at the drop of a hat will uproot her life to let me follow my dreams.
Now that I leave in less than 20 hours the uncertianity has set in. I know the first 2 or 3 days will be hard but I know I can do it. The only thing holding me back from my dreams is me. I hope that I can use this trip to point my life in the direction it is meant to go.
Now that I leave in less than 20 hours the uncertianity has set in. I know the first 2 or 3 days will be hard but I know I can do it. The only thing holding me back from my dreams is me. I hope that I can use this trip to point my life in the direction it is meant to go.
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