When I tell people I have anxiety they have a funny look on their face. Usually the next words from their mouth are, but you do BJJ, or MMA, or you fight. I have never been able to explain how I can do these things until now.
I was initially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was 18, but I can tell you that I had one from about 6th or 7th grade. About this time I was having extreme problems in school, I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, I was at the magnet middle school in my home town and I was miserable. I got beat up picked on and all the usual thing that people blame school shooting on. In 8th grade sick of all this I started to withdraw, by 9th grade I had embraced a very despotic outlook and group of friends, I was smoking pot everyday behind the buildings before school and at lunch just so I could have the fuck-it-all attitude to go to class. I changed schools my 10th grade year and went to a catholic school, there my attitude worsened. I was confrontational, mouthed off, and just was a general dick to anyone I did not perceive to be worthy of existing.
In January of that year I decided to join the football team for the next season. I quit the season before because I felt like they weren't worth my time, in reality I was not in shape and was a little soft. I started practices with the team and gritted my teeth at the hazing which seemed really focused on me because of my standoffish attitude. Then I learned something that would forever change my outlook, nobody cares if you have dyed black hair or nail polish on the field and long as you work your ass off. I found for the first time in my life that I didn't need all of the ADD and anti anxiety/depression meds, what I needed was a purpose to put my stubborn attitude toward and refuse to give up.
Unfortunately after high school I could never really find that point of focus again. This led to five years of scary times and even several suicide attempts. One day that all changed I was driving in BR and passed the old Gladiators Academy. When I turned in I was amazed, an MMA gym about 45 minutes from where I was living. This was the thing I was looking for, but it would take time to realize that.
Not unlike a great deal of people who walk it an MMA gym for the first time I was a little egotistic. I thought I would be the next phenom and take the world by storm, that absolutely didn't happen, but something amazing did. I was submitted repeatedly by someone weighing 50 or 60 pounds less than me. Holy Shit, my ego went right out the door and a sense of wonderment over took me. At that point I decided I wanted to learn BJJ not just fight.
I've detailed before how I got to Gladiator's Academy of Lafayette, but I have not told how I used the training to beat my anxiety.
Maybe one day people all over the world will give a crap about my opinions on fighting or grappling but I know if you are reading this you are either my friend on facebook or it was recommended to you by someone I know, thus you do want to hear my opinion.
I had a counselor who really tried to teach me the concept of mindfulness for about 6 months until she gave up on me. I really couldn't understand it, or how to apply it. For those of you who haven't heard of or didn't bother to look it up mindfulness is a tool from Zen buddahism, that boils down to being in the present moment.When I had anxiety attacks I was always worried about the future and what bad things were going to happen. The only way to stop and prevent these attacks was for me to be mindful of the moment I was in.
I find training, and to a great extent the MMA sparring sessions helped me develop the concept and use mindfulness to prevent and stop my panic attacks. If you look at the situation of a BJJ match you can see that if you allow yourself to be lost in the future or past you are going to get submitted, but even being totally in the present moment you have to think ahead and not just react. In MMA the mindfulness aspect increases 10 fold due to punches and kicks being thrown.
Now you are probally telling yourself this guy is crazy, sparring would make me have more panic attacks, and you know what I have had a few while doing jiu jitsu, but that is the process. I allowed myself fear and discomfort because I knew that anytime I felt in danger there was that safety of tapping out and it would stop. Using this I continued to train hard, yet the lessons carried far beyond the gym into my everyday life, eventually I was finally able to finish school and now have gone almost 6 months without an anxiety attack.
I know that most psychiatrist would crap themselves at what I did but it worked. I feel like I am on the road to the person I am meant to be.
I had a friend tell me before I left that he want to see Ben version 2.0 when I get back, but you know I feel like I just got all the bugs out of the beta test and I hope that 1.0 will be released on the world soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment